MENU

THE JK BLOG

How to Own Your Awesome, Stand Out from the Crowd, Build a Successful Biz, and Have Fun Doing It!

What's Your

Curious? Take the quiz

10 Things to Never Say to Someone Who Has Had a Miscarriage

PERSONAL

DSC_4146-1 10 Things to Never Say to Someone Who Has Had a Miscarriage

I honestly can’t believe we are walking this road again. Grief is such a windy road and just when I thought we have learned to live with the past, it’s been shoved back into our lives with such eery parallels that it feels like a bad dream. Miscarriage is really hard to understand – especially if you’ve never experienced it. I remember thinking so many “at least” statements when I heard people had miscarried: at least you didn’t have a stillborn, at least your body did it’s job, at least you know you can get pregnant, but now having walked the road myself, not just once but twice, I know that nothing can remove the pain and guilt that accompanies a miscarriage.

Trust me, it’s an awkward topic. As someone who’s bringing it to light, I want to constantly apologize for making others feel uncomfortable as we address something still seen as “taboo” in a society that has learned to accept so many different things but loss still isn’t one of them. Instead of apologizing for having this show up in your life, maybe I can educate you on how to navigate miscarriage (or how to help someone you love walk this road.) When processing our losses we’ve heard so many things, generally meant to be helpful, but they are so incredibly hurtful.

10 things never to say to someone who miscarried:

1. “25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage.” Trust me when I say, we know the statistics. Why? Because we’ve been googling them the entire time (sometimes daily.) When you experience a miscarriage you head to google to find only forums, medical articles, and nothing REAL about what’s happening in your body or life. Statistics (while sometimes helpful) don’t change the fact that your baby is under the umbrella of a number that isn’t a positive one.

2. “My friend had 3 miscarriages and now has 2 healthy kids.” This one is all about timing. While wanting to share a vision of hope is so important, this shouldn’t be the first stories coming out of your mouth. When people shared this to me, I wanted to scream, “Good for your friend, I hope I can be as lucky but right now I can’t even imagine it.” If your friend asks for hope, share it then, but this shouldn’t be an immediate reaction to someone telling you they lost their baby.

3. “At least you can get pregnant.” Believe me, I clung to this fact that first time we miscarried. Getting pregnant IS a blessing and a miracle. I struggled so much with guilt that we could get pregnant when there are so many out there who can not. But what good is that fact if you can’t stay pregnant, if that pregnancy only leads to loss? Well intentioned, yes, but not helpful. Let me just leave this right here: any statements starting with the words “at least” are likely going to fall under the hurtful and not helpful category.

4. “Everything happens for a reason.” Would you tell this to someone who’s dad died? Probably not. Especially when they are actively grieving. While I cling to the hope that there is more to my story, it’s hard to even think of what the reason of losing two babies could be. I serve a Savior that I believe makes no mistakes but this line right here, it cuts really deep. We all pray it’s true but in the moment it’s hard to stomach.

5. “Have you gotten checked for: XYZ?” Again, this one is all about timing. When we announced the second time I was flooded with messages of women who had also struggled and figured out why they were miscarrying. While I was utterly thankful for their insight and information it was also so overwhelming and sent me spiraling thinking I had a million things wrong with me. Always think about timing and delivery and remember that we are likely searching so hard for an answer and coming up short.

6. “Maybe you shouldn’t have…” eaten the lunch meat, worked out, had that drink before you knew you were pregnant, gone on that trip… the list goes on and on. As someone who simply wants an answer and who is open about what’s going on, my biggest fear in sharing another loss was for people to jump to conclusions on what I did wrong. I imagined people gossiping about me and why this happened to me and it made me want to throw up. The guilt is already there, no need to bring it up.

7. “Have you considered adoption?” This one caught me off guard. We literally are processing the loss of our baby, the one we prayed for, and now we are considering an entirely different course of action? Well, of course I’ve considered adoption in my life but right now I am grieving the loss of my baby and can’t even begin to think about what our future might hold – which will likely not be easy or inexpensive.

8. “At least it happened early.” I was talking with two girlfriends who have also had two miscarriages and one said, “I literally had planned the next 18+ years of my life in the three days I knew I was pregnant.” As someone who has been pregnant for 20 weeks over the last year and has no babies, I’ve had a LOT of time to think about this baby, pray for it, imagine the nursery, picture our lives. There is never any good time to lose a life. As someone who’s body clung to my babies until the last minute, I know that the timing doesn’t impact the grief.

9. “Your body is just doing it’s job.” Another common response but this one made me want to cry. I feel so betrayed by my body right now. It didn’t do it’s job – it’s job would be to carry this baby and allow me to go through the process of becoming a mom. We understand the medical reasons behind miscarriage but it doesn’t help us to imagine our child with birth defects or issues, in our eyes they were and will be perfect and our bodies have been through a lot in a short amount of time.

10. “It’s just not the right timing.” I bought this one for the first miscarriage but the second one? No. We were ready, we were excited, when people kept saying, “You’ll never be ready for a baby.” We sat there thinking, “Yes, yes we are ready, more than you’ll ever know.” If someone could see into the future and tell me, that I would go on to have two healthy babies and no more loss, I would be able to stomach this easier, but since that’s not the case, we have to live and pray it’s true and that it’s all in God’s timing.

Miscarriage straight up is hard: it’s hard for the women going through it, it’s hard for the men supporting them, it’s hard for people who want to love their friend through the loss. So what is it that you should say? Well, I’ll tell you that it’s not much. These are the only words I would say, “I am so, so sorry for your loss.” It isn’t your job to “fix” it or to offer us hope. It’s your job to support us, love us, accept us through it and just be still with us.

While I know people are trying to be helpful, hopeful, and support us through such a tough time, the above statements can lead to more anger, confusion, guilt and sadness in a world where plenty of that already exists. Miscarriage is hard, it’s messy, and it doesn’t just go away. We learn to live with it, we yearn for things that so many people take for granted, and we walk a road of uncertainty with the one hope that someday we will meet these babies and remind them that we loved them from the moment they were breathed into existence.

by Jenna Kutcher 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

  1. Lindsay

    June 16th, 2017 at 1:01 pm

    Jenna, you are so strong and beautiful! Garth and I are thinking of you and are so sorry for your loss. Xo

  2. Jen

    June 16th, 2017 at 1:08 pm

    You’re brave and beyond strong – sending you love

  3. Monica

    June 16th, 2017 at 11:29 pm

    I once had a guy start asking me when we were going to start trying again for another baby. I was shocked! I still had the bruises in my arms from all the blood that had been taken and the IVs from when I was in the ER. And this dude’s asking me when I’m going to try again? Screw you. What’s it to you anyway? That’s personal and none of your business.

  4. Michaela

    June 17th, 2017 at 9:05 am

    We stand with you to grieve for your beautiful babies you’re yet to meet. We also praise God for the courage He’s given you to speak from this valley, to help those going through it know they’re not alone, and to help those who know of others be better equipped to support them where they’re at. We’re so sorry for your loss. We pray for healing, stand with you as you lift up your questions, and ask for light in the future ahead. Sending love around the world xx

  5. Denise

    June 19th, 2017 at 11:26 am

    …..and we walk a road of uncertainty with the one hope that someday we will meet these babies and remind them that we loved them from the moment they were breathed into existence…..thanks, I needed that statement.

  6. Chelsie

    June 19th, 2017 at 1:55 pm

    You are beautiful. Your story matters, these babies matter. Their Father knows their name and has a great tendency of taking the most broken pieces in our world and redeeming them for his glory. I’m so sorry you’re walking through this. Continue to speak out about miscarriage, let Jesus speak through your story. You’re making a difference.

  7. Danielle

    June 19th, 2017 at 3:21 pm

    Sending so much love and prayers your way. I hope that your IRL community is providing you the unconditional love and support you need right now.

  8. S A R A H

    June 19th, 2017 at 9:58 pm

    This is so helpful so those of us who just don’t know what to say. Did you name your babies? Or have a special word for them? A friend of mine named her baby “Shalom” after losing him- meaning hello and goodbye.

  9. Ashley Eckelberg

    June 23rd, 2017 at 11:58 am

    You eloquently put into words what’s hard for me to explain. Thank you ❤️

  10. Roxanne

    June 23rd, 2017 at 12:29 pm

    Thank you! I’ve been through one miscarrage and have also heard every single one of these responses when all I really needed was someone to respond with “I’m sorry for your loss” or “This totally sucks”. I agree empathy around loss and grief need to be talked about and learned. Thank you for continuing to talk about it, its definelty helped me feel less alone. Xoxo

  11. Nina

    June 23rd, 2017 at 2:42 pm

    Hi Jenna,

    I just wanted to reach out and say you are not alone. I am so sorry for your losses. My husband and I went through 3 losses before having our rainbow baby this past December. I commend you for being so open about it. I’ve been very open about our struggles, as well, and I found it to be very cathartic and healing. This fellow photographer and mama is sending you love and light from Los Angeles and thinking of our angel babies. xoxo

    P.S. I’m sure you have a great support system but if you’d ever like to talk to someone who’s gone through this multiple times, I’m happy to listen and answer any questions you may have. 🙂

  12. Courtney

    June 24th, 2017 at 10:04 am

    I love this….I experienced a miscarriage earlier this year, and I frequently felt like people just didn’t understand the loss that I was feeling. I think a lot of people who haven’t gone through it don’t necessarily view it as loss…especially if “you were early on” because you didn’t physically have the baby. But like you said, you plan your life out the second that you know you are pregnant. In my mind and heart, I had a baby and I lost it….it’s loss. I’m so sorry for your loss, Jenna. My heart goes out to you.

  13. Sara

    July 10th, 2017 at 10:54 am

    Thank you for posting this Jenna. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for helping me have the right words for friends experience losses. Love, Sara

  14. Meagan

    August 9th, 2017 at 11:09 am

    Just yesterday, I was talking to a friend about #3 and how so many people have said that to me… are we supposed to be thankful to have been pregnant at all, when it always ends in a loss? Am I supposed to be happy the 4th time I am pregnant, after 3 very devastating losses and 3 surgeries related to those losses? That one makes me angrier than anything. Other comments I’ve received are “it’s just cells at 13 weeks” from someone whose wife was currently 20 weeks pregnant and “it was nature taking its course, there was something wrong with the baby”. First… God forbid anything happened to your baby at 20 weeks, that’s the same baby that was once 13 weeks. And second, actually, there is something wrong with my body that we are fully aware of but just didn’t tell every last person who crossed our paths. People mean well deep down, but man… it’s so hard to hear any of the above aside from “this really f*cking sucks, I’m so sorry”. Thank you for sharing your story and being so brave about it. It really helps to know others are going through the same thing <3

  15. Melissa

    September 19th, 2017 at 1:17 am

    Hi Jenna,

    I found your podcast today after searching iTunes for Pinterest…then I watched your webinar…then I signed up for The Pinterest Lab…then I searched for you on Pinterest. This post was the 1st pin that came up. I feel like we are already friends & I’m in tears. Thank you for the amazing content. I am so sorry for your loss. ????

  16. Jess Brown

    October 26th, 2017 at 11:27 am

    Hi Jenna,

    I’m so sorry for your loss. While I can’t say I know how it feels to go through such a difficult, sad thing, as someone who couldn’t get pregnant at all, these comments are a reminder of how well intentioned comments don’t land well. When I was trying to get pregnant back in 2009, I was shocked by some of the comments I heard. Some you mentioned above. Usually for me, they came from people who had no issues getting pregnant, staying pregnant and having 3-4 healthy kids they gave birth to themselves. Many of them, so eager to give unsolicited advice and it is painful. I wish more people understood the concept of less being more for certain situations – infertility and miscarriages being one of them. A simple, “I’m sorry” is more than enough. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this too. You’ll be in my thoughts and I’m sending healing vibes your way. Take care.

  17. Ajira

    December 13th, 2017 at 4:31 pm

    Jenna,
    I am so, so sorry for your loss mama.
    xo,

  18. Lenore

    December 19th, 2017 at 8:11 pm

    Jenna, thank you for your openness and honesty. As a fellow woman who has gone through miscarriage this year, all 10 of these ring so true. Know I”m praying for you!

  19. Isabel

    March 26th, 2018 at 5:23 am

    Jenna, me and my husband also lost two babies and this is the best, most helpful article I ever read concerning miscarriage. I wish you all the best and thank you so much for sharing! ♥️

BINGE THE LATEST POSTS

Paycheck Strategies to Copy as an Entrepreneur

GOAL DIGGER

How to Stop Comparison Fatigue (without Quitting Instagram)

GOAL DIGGER

Eight Months of Conley Kate

PERSONAL

How to Get Glowing Skin Without Harsh Chemicals

PERSONAL

Listen If You’re Lonely: Adult Friendships Are Hard

GOAL DIGGER

goal
digger

the podcast

The Latest From the Goal Digger Podcast

BINGE listens

digger

MORE GOAL DIGGER SHOW NOTES

Paycheck Strategies to Copy as an Entrepreneur

How to Stop Comparison Fatigue (without Quitting Instagram)

Listen If You’re Lonely: Adult Friendships Are Hard

Can You Be a Badass at Making Money? with Jen Sincero

A New Strategy for Emails That Engage and Actually Get Read

Why Storytelling Will Increase Your Sales

TOP PICKS

Instagram is kind of my thing.

@JENNAKUTCHER

© JENNA KUTCHER 2019

|   ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

|    SITE CREDIT

|    GET IN TOUCH

|    Legal