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What Miscarriage is Really Like

June 28, 2017

Lainey-36 What Miscarriage is Really Like

Today I am sharing some of the struggles we’ve been walking through recently with our second miscarriage and I’m just really opening up our story in the hopes that it will help other women feel less alone. My goal is to remove the veil and the taboo that follows the word miscarriage and what it means. Today I’m sharing our story and our plans for the future.

We lost another baby. This time was supposed to be different and yet it was eerily the same.
In the last year I have been pregnant for 20 weeks… that’s 5 months of growing babies, exhaustion, nausea, hope, fear, and yet here we stand with two angel babies and broken hearts.

This time was different. We saw a heartbeat, we started to believe the statistics were on our sides, we made plans. With every day that I stayed pregnant, our chance of loss grew dimmer, and yet at our 10 week ultrasound we were told once again, “there is no longer a heartbeat.”

I’m angry, confused, sad (so, so sad.) Last time I felt peace and purpose but this time I feel numb. I know miscarriage is hard to understand and not often discussed but I hope to continue to change that. You don’t HAVE to say anything, just love us through this. I never thought this would be our story, I’m clinging to the fact that there has to be more than this for us, there has to.

On Tuesday I’ll go in for another surgery to say goodbye to the baby that has been with me these last ten weeks. If you are blessed to be pregnant or have kiddos, give them an extra squeeze for me today in honor of our babe. You are truly, truly blessed.

I know that miscarriage is taboo, hard to understand, and a really uncomfortable conversation. It’s straight up awkward. I don’t share our stories of loss to make you feel uncomfortable, I share because our story is one of millions, I share because so many people sit alone in this, silent. I didn’t understand it until I walked it, now twice over.

We share so many good things, pretty things, easy things but it’s not fair to withhold the fact that life is hard and confusing and it straight up sucker punches you sometimes. We’ve lost two babies who we desperately wanted. I’m angry, really sad. I’m asking God why this is my story again and I’m scared of what our future will look like. I wish we could go back to the days when we didn’t desire kids and I KNOW there is hope but right now I need to just sit in this.

Last time I felt purpose, I felt like sharing our story was God’s calling for that little life and I felt like I was a faithful servant in that. Over the last year I’ve walked with hundreds of women going through miscarriage. This time I feel numb. Please just send us love and light and prayers. I never imagined our journey would be this but I am thankful to cling to him throughout the ride and trust in something bigger for us.

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  1. Sue Ringsdorf

    June 28th, 2017 at 10:59 am

    Hi Jenna. I just listened to your podcast, and wow. Your emotions were so raw and I felt all of them. When you cried, I cried – remembering my miscarriage 19 years ago this month like it was yesterday.

    We had infertility treatment with this baby (and the one after that) and were so joyful to be pregnant. I had been spotting so I went to the doc and they confirmed that everything was ok, and that it was alright for me to hop on a plane with my hubby (and 1 1/2 year old) to Minneapolis for his first marathon. Unfortunately, I continued to spot, and then started bleeding over the course of the weekend. My worst fears came true in the airport, about two hours before our flight home. I had the miscarriage in a bathroom of the airport, and I can only say, that the pure shock of it was what led me to board that plane home. I was very lucky I didn’t hemorrhage and suffer another emergency on our two hour plane ride. I was in deep deep despair over losing a child and I really had no idea how to cope, other than to cry.

    I mourned that baby for a long time. But I was lucky to be able to hug my little guy and my husband, and get back to fertility treatments a couple of months later. We had another little boy the very next year.

    I can completely relate to you, and I weep with you as you mourn – and continue down this path to create your little family. God IS good, and I will be praying for you and Drew, and the doctors who are treating you. God bless.

    ~Sue

  2. Cindy Gardner

    June 28th, 2017 at 3:29 pm

    i am so sorry for your loss, My daughter just had a miscarriage yesterday and I feel your pain, her pain and my own. “we rejoice when you rejoice and we weep when you weep” The loss is real.
    prayers,
    Cindy

  3. Emma

    June 28th, 2017 at 4:44 pm

    Your podcast is so raw and real, and I commend you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable to tell this story. Though I don’t have experience with suffering from such a tragedy, I feel in my heart that if you choose to try a third time, the outcome will be different this time. You are not failing as a woman, your body is not betraying you. Your body was telling you (though hard to believe two times in a row) that something was not right. Your faith and your confidence and your drive are so inspiring and I know you’ll power through this dark time and that beautiful rainbow baby will come! You’re in my thoughts.

  4. Emma

    June 28th, 2017 at 5:48 pm

    Also, you hit the nail right on the head that pregnancy, while a beautiful journey, is absolutely terrifying. Doctors condition you to believe you’re truly never “in the clear” and this basis of fear should not be what expectant and trying parents have to hear or think about. Whether your babies are here on earth or up in heaven, you are a MOM. You have provided a home to two little ones and they have forever changed your life. God delivers obstacles to the ones strong enough to overcome them. I pray for you and your husband.

  5. Angie

    June 28th, 2017 at 8:03 pm

    Bravo to you for baring it all (classic JK style). I’ve always been all about transparency about my business myself and when I became pregnant, I translated that transparency to this huge milestone and change in every physicall/mental/spritiual way that NO ONE TALKS ABOUT. I have a little family blog where my husband and I really just document our trips and memories and pregnancy issues became a big part of that…I think people are slowly pulling back the curtain on all of these things but theres such a long way to go. Miscarriages, infertility, pregnancy issues, labor and delivery issues, post partum, the unglamorous side of parenthood…so much is out there that highlights the good stuff and it makes you feel like complete crap for the bad stuff and you think its only you.

    I have not personally been through a miscarriage but my best friend has and it was HEARTBREAKING. We found out we were both pregnant about a 3 weeks apart so when I had my baby, I know she tried her best to hide it, but I KNOW it had to kill her since hers should have been right there with mine. But being by her side through that, I had no idea what a miscarriage really entailed. I knew the basics, but now having been pregnant…I literally can’t imagine what you’re going through. You’re in my thoughts and prayers and again I applaud you for baring it all so others don’t feel alone.

  6. R G

    June 29th, 2017 at 11:31 am

    Sweet Jenna,

    I listened to your podcast this morning. I probably would have listened to it yesterday, but I actually did my walk in silence. I found out the day before, like you, our baby was measuring too small and there was no heartbeat. I’ve been in an emotional, raw processing state. Everything you said is almost exactly what I’m going through.

    I don’t know what the outcome will be. I’m still in the middle of blood work, but that lingering doubt and fear has been over my heart and it hurts. And even though they say it’s “Super common” and “everyone goes through it”… it doesn’t make it much easier.

    I sobbed listening to you cry, cause my pain IS your pain. I hope you have your little Hawaiian family in the near future… and I can be on that same journey with you.

    Thank you for sharing this story. It means more than you know. <3

  7. Laura

    June 29th, 2017 at 4:54 pm

    This makes you so real and so normal, Jenna, I don’t know you but thanks for sharing your story.
    This was so emotive to listen. You are very strong and brave.
    I am sorry for your loss.

  8. Leslei Enright

    June 29th, 2017 at 11:47 pm

    Oh Jenna, as I listen to your journey my heart aches for you. I pray that you will feel God’s loving arms wrapped around you and to feel that peace again that can only come from God.

  9. Cait Mathieu

    July 1st, 2017 at 5:08 pm

    Jenna, I am deeply sorry for your losses. My heart aches for what you’ve gone through. What a beautiful testimony for how God has carried you and continues to restore your hope and joy. You have shown such bravery as a Momma of angel babies.

    I have gone through a miscarriage and I am still walking through this season of grieving. My hope is to share my testimony as well to spread that same hope that Jesus can indeed restore our joy in the midst of heartache.

    My story can be found here- https://duetojoy.com/journal/avery

    But here’s the sweetest part, our story is not over. I will be surrounding you and your husband in prayer for your future. Don’t lose hope. The Lord is gracious and hears your prayers and knows the desires of your heart.

    With Joy,
    Cait Mathieu
    duetojoy.com

  10. Carrie Moe

    July 4th, 2017 at 2:35 pm

    Oh man Jenna….totally crying with you. I remember this moment as well. I was so there friend. There is a new day coming…I have two healthy babies now…there is such a future and hope for you too friend. Praying for you.

  11. Zoe

    July 10th, 2017 at 5:59 pm

    Jenna, what a really amazing podcast.
    I love your spirit, and how positive, inspiring and how you’ve summed it up for what its like to go through, and also for what not to do or say for someone who has or is going through such a big thing.
    Prayers with you and Drew…. x

  12. Isabelle

    July 10th, 2017 at 7:29 pm

    Jenna,

    This post is date 28 June 2017 and today is 11 July 2017 … I’ve been there too, and felt like I was given a gift who was then taken away. This was years ago and today I have 3 healthy little ones. Each pregnancy is different and it will happen ! I know how you feel and many many of us, have been there. Much love, Isabelle xx

  13. Amanda Siggins

    July 11th, 2017 at 5:07 pm

    There is a purpose to every struggle we have in life and the hardest part is being patient with them. While trying to be parents my husband and I lost 3 babies. Each one a different kind of hurt than the last. We now have 3 sweet babes and it still doesn’t erase the hurt of the ones we lost. Let them always be with you as your guardians and try to find peace in the journey. Lots of Love to you and your families ????

  14. Amber C Small

    July 11th, 2017 at 7:21 pm

    Thank You for your bravery…. I’m praying for you

  15. Mikkel

    July 21st, 2017 at 5:38 pm

    My best friend had 2 miscarriages before getting pregnant with her third child. She gave birth to her daughter a few weeks ago. Third try, third baby. You WILL have the perfect child! Miscarriages are really hard but I know it’ll happen for you guys! Big hugs!

  16. Joi

    July 30th, 2017 at 10:11 am

    This is sad. I can’t even imagine how it feels, I will start trying for a baby soon, and I know anything can happen. Thanks for sharing your experience with us.
    Things like this don’t depend 100% on how we eat but a healthy diet with a lot of veggies and fruits and mostly raw foods can help our body to function even better. Wishing you the best.

  17. Katie Seemann

    July 30th, 2017 at 11:47 am

    I love your podcasts and finally got a chance to listen to this one. I wish this was around when I was going through my miscarriages – all 8 of them. It’s the most lonely, devastating thing to go through – and to go through it more than once is beyond difficult. Thanks for sharing your story. When I was in the thick of it, one of the only things that made me feel a little better is hearing stories of others who had gone through the same thing (especially those that had gone through more than 1). Thankfully, after 5 years of tests and treatments and heartache, my story has a happy ending – I have a beautiful, healthy 3 1/2 year old. Hang in there…you are not alone.

  18. Tricia

    December 21st, 2017 at 10:00 am

    I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I myself have had 2 miscarriages and more recently an ectopic pregnancy that almost took my life.
    It’s stressful, and sad and mind boggling that on the one hand our bodies CAN do so much but we have very little control over what goes on in it.
    I happened across your podcast by chance today for the first time, and it happened to be this one…I think that was for a reason. <3

  19. amy

    January 15th, 2018 at 7:12 pm

    Wow! My friend just turned me on to you and I came to your beautiful site to find your email list building course. This is the first thing that jumped out at me. I am so sorry. But what a honest share. It seems such a raw deal to be dealt that blow twice. I also miscarried my first, and then couldn’t seem to get pregnant. I used acupunture and herbs to have my baby boy, then went on to miscarry 3 more times. There was no one around that could help me understand it. There was no outlet for the grief, just kind of silence. You inspired me to write a blog post tonight that I might not ever post, but your writing took me back to that time. There are no words of comfort when you can’t understand why you cannot have the thing that seems to come so easily for everyone. The pain and toll on the body, mind and spirit. So, I’m so sorry for your loss. I understand what you meant in your podcast about being in service. This is service. Sharing the painful truth. Being brave enough to not suffer in silence. More people need to hear these stories. You brought me back to a time that is still somewhat unhealed because as beautiful as life is, we don’t simple move on and past the things that leave there indelible mark. It opens every time someone asks me why I have “just one” and “your son needs a sibling.” Now I just tell the truth. Without bitterness or shame. Well, I had four miscarriages and I decided to stop trying and enjoy the beautiful life I have. I’m sure you have heard all of the things to try, for me the acupuncture and herbs did something to make my boy “stick the landing,” as we joke. Good luck. Thanks for your service. I just listened to 117 and it truly changes things to think about business in that way. Good luck and blessings to you.

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