Today I am sharing some of the struggles we’ve been walking through recently with our second miscarriage and I’m just really opening up our story in the hopes that it will help other women feel less alone. My goal is to remove the veil and the taboo that follows the word miscarriage and what it means. Today I’m sharing our story and our plans for the future.
We lost another baby. This time was supposed to be different and yet it was eerily the same.
In the last year I have been pregnant for 20 weeks… that’s 5 months of growing babies, exhaustion, nausea, hope, fear, and yet here we stand with two angel babies and broken hearts.
This time was different. We saw a heartbeat, we started to believe the statistics were on our sides, we made plans. With every day that I stayed pregnant, our chance of loss grew dimmer, and yet at our 10 week ultrasound we were told once again, “there is no longer a heartbeat.”
I’m angry, confused, sad (so, so sad.) Last time I felt peace and purpose but this time I feel numb. I know miscarriage is hard to understand and not often discussed but I hope to continue to change that. You don’t HAVE to say anything, just love us through this. I never thought this would be our story, I’m clinging to the fact that there has to be more than this for us, there has to.
On Tuesday I’ll go in for another surgery to say goodbye to the baby that has been with me these last ten weeks. If you are blessed to be pregnant or have kiddos, give them an extra squeeze for me today in honor of our babe. You are truly, truly blessed.
I know that miscarriage is taboo, hard to understand, and a really uncomfortable conversation. It’s straight up awkward. I don’t share our stories of loss to make you feel uncomfortable, I share because our story is one of millions, I share because so many people sit alone in this, silent. I didn’t understand it until I walked it, now twice over.
We share so many good things, pretty things, easy things but it’s not fair to withhold the fact that life is hard and confusing and it straight up sucker punches you sometimes. We’ve lost two babies who we desperately wanted. I’m angry, really sad. I’m asking God why this is my story again and I’m scared of what our future will look like. I wish we could go back to the days when we didn’t desire kids and I KNOW there is hope but right now I need to just sit in this.
Last time I felt purpose, I felt like sharing our story was God’s calling for that little life and I felt like I was a faithful servant in that. Over the last year I’ve walked with hundreds of women going through miscarriage. This time I feel numb. Please just send us love and light and prayers. I never imagined our journey would be this but I am thankful to cling to him throughout the ride and trust in something bigger for us.