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Miscarriage straight up is hard: it’s hard for the women going through it, it’s hard for the men supporting them, it’s hard for people who want to love their friend through the loss. No matter who you are, you likely have been affected by miscarriage, either directly or indirectly, so today I want to equip you with the tools you need to support someone through the loss (when you feel rather lost yourself!)
There’s a stigma, a taboo sense about miscarriage that often leaves us searching for resources that might not exist. So today I hope to provide clarity, give peace, and help you know how and where to step in when someone you love is experiencing a loss. It isn’t your job to “fix” it or to offer hope. It’s your job to support, love, and accept others through it and just be still with those grieving. I’ve talked about what NOT to say to someone who has miscarried, and today let’s tackle what to do to help a friend through miscarriage!
1.) Be Present:
Whether you’re there in person or showing up in through messages, just be a presence in their life during this dark time. Don’t text and say, “What do you need?” Instead say, “I am so sorry for your loss, I am here for you.” You don’t have to explain it or try and solve why it happened, sometimes you just need to be silent and let them speak when they are ready.
I think so many times we want to show up and “fix” things but this is unfixable and complicated so just be a present force of support in any way you can without explanation or trying to make them feel better. There is nothing better when grieving then just be allowed to be however you are. Acknowledging the loss and then letting them know you are there when they are needing you can be the best support.
2.) Show up for them!
Whether you send flowers or you give them a token that memorializes their baby, every gesture, even the smallest mean so much for someone in a grieving period. While I LOVE flowers, it was so hard to watch them wilt and die after grieving our loss. The flowers poured into our home, meatloaf meals were left on our doorstep, and I was hiding in my bedroom in a puddle of tears. When I think back to those first days when we found out we had lost our baby, they are a total blur… we were wrapped in love, in prayers, in gifts but I felt so alone, so empty.
A few weeks later this little box arrived from laurelbox and I remember opening it, happy to see items that wouldn’t perish but little tokens of remembrance to have in everyday life like a “Forget me not” necklace or a mug with scripture, items that make me smile every time I see them, wear them, use them, because it’s a reminder that I haven’t forgotten you little one. If you’re struggling for the right gift or gesture, peruse the curated collections of laurelbox and craft a gift of remembrance with love.
3.) Remember the Milestones:
Don’t forget about their loss in the upcoming months and milestones. One of the hardest things about miscarriage is knowing all of those milestones (the trimesters, the due dates, and loss dates) and navigating those as they come. Often times others have forgotten or moved on while the grieving family might be fixated on numbers on the calendar leaving them thinking, “what it?”
While time moves on things may seem better, things like due dates, loss dates can totally invoke fear, anxiety, and trigger the grief pattern. Give them grace during this time, check in on them to let them know you’re thinking of them and remembering their loss too. Sometimes those dates are even harder than the loss itself because it’s a reminder of what didn’t happen. Be someone that remembers those dates so that they feel like their baby has not been forgotten.
Additional Resources to help a friend through miscarriage: