This week has been on my mind (and calendar) since we found out we were pregnant in Hawaii. It was supposed to be the date where we would be close to meeting our first child, where we would post that picture all swollen, pink, and happy from the hospital room and talk about how our lives have forever changed.Well, they have forever changed – just not in the way we had expected. Today, we are celebrating the due date of our first child, the baby we never got to meet, the one who was inside of me for nearly 12 weeks before we parted ways. October 5, October 5, we thought it was kismet, because the next day was our dear friend Jerry’s birthday (who we lost.)
Miscarriage is a lot messier than people make it seem. While I can confidently say that I have been given the most divine peace only a savior can offer, there have been parts of our journey that hit when I wasn’t ready. Like when I was driving to a conference and remember that I should be 38 weeks pregnant and uncomfortable and all the things. Or the time when we were sent formula from a company wishing us well with our sweet baby. Or the morning in church where I looked around and everyone was surrounded by children. Or when we get those annoying notifications saying, “Your baby is the size of a sweet potato.” No, no it’s not. There isn’t a baby anymore.
After we miscarried, I felt a strong disconnect with my body. I felt like it had failed me. It had transformed and changed and yet I had nothing to show for it except for a few extra pounds (and some maternity yoga pants that I wore once.) I was angry, I was confused, I felt like I had failed to do what I was supposed to do. The shame that comes with miscarriage is raw and real (even though we have heard every line of how it shouldn’t be, it is.) Some people made it feel so insignificant, some friendships suffered, some people made me feel like I should have just moved on and pretended that it never happened… but it did.
I still believe I became a mother the minute I saw those words on the pregnancy test. Beyond all the hard, there has been good. Our perspective has forever changed with the fragility of life, our awareness of others struggles has heightened, an admiration for the human body and how it works has come. We were driving for a date night the other night and started talking about the baby. “Could you imagine if I was ready to burst right now?” Thinking that we would probably be home packing my hospital bag and putting the finishing touches on the nursery made us both stop and think. Where we are at right now is good, it’s beautiful, it’s honest. Our lives right now look a lot different than we pictured back in February but they are full and good.
HOW WE WILL CELEBRATE BABY KUTCH
October 5th will always hold significance in our lives. I hope it’s a day that we celebrate, that we acknowledge, and that we use to do good on. Today, I ask you to honor our sweet baby Kutcher by paying it forward for someone. Whether you pay for someone’s coffee, hold the door open, deliver flowers, carry someone’s groceries, send a card in the mail… anything. It would mean the world to use to do so in honor of the baby we never got to hold. If you could comment below and share your act of kindness, it would bless my mama heart so immensely today.
Jenna,
Never before have the words of someone I have never met moved me in the way that yours have. I read your post and wanted so badly to reach through my screen and hug you tightly. Thank you so, so much for reminding me of what’s important tonight. You have all of my prayers and thoughts this week, as well as my promise to write one kind note each day to someone who needs it. Thank you again for your willingness to be so honest and so very human.
I share a birthday with your angel, its a great day, the weather is always perfect, even if you dont realise it at first, i am going to do my friends newborn shoot as a gift, to commemorate your beautiful baby.
Congratulations on being so brave to share your story, it will touch many hearts xx
Im starting out as a photographer and here is an opportunity for me to do something wonderfil on this special day
Sending you lots of love today. We have miscarried as well, and June 10th is what our day that we remember the twins we lost at 10 weeks (and the four other babies that we lost too early to remember their due dates). Proud of you for talking about miscarriage, most women don’t because of one reason or another – but it’s good to talk about, because it happens – and it happens much more often than people think it does. 🙁
Off to go pay it forward in honor of Baby Kutch. <3
Lots of hugs and prayers for you and Drew, sweet girl. Praying for our great savior’s peace to wash over you. It wasn’t today, but a few days ago my husband and I saw a homeless man at a stop light on the way to go grocery shopping. His sign read, “my family is hungry.” We bought a roasted chicken, a few pounds of apples and some salad. It wasn’t much but we took it back to him and it blessed my heart to the point of tears. I will look for a way to pay it forward today in honor of sweet baby Kutcher
Oh dearest Jenna, you always inspire me with how you go through life and how real and honest you are. Thinking of you and your mama heart, you are a rockstar! Lots and lots of love from across the globe. Will definitely honor your sweet baby by paying it forward this week.
Liefs,
Yara
I just wanted to say that you are not alone in this. My husband and I miscarried August 21st, so we still have the would-have-been due date ahead of us. (It’s actually April 5th, exactly 6 months from yours!) I just want to say that you for talking about it. It’s hard, but it’s so good. We are pushing the darkness back! The Lord is so faithful. I wrote about my miscarriage as well, if you need to be reminded we mamas are all together in this. aubreyschwietert.wordpress.com – How the Loss of My Baby Gave Me Courage.
Thank you for this beautiful honest post. Sending much love and light to you and your beautiful family. xx
Aw… this blessed me and hurt me for you all at once.
I’m not married. I don’t have children.
But I love to look after the unborn and I love that your heart was so ready to meet a chance to love someone….
After reading so much of the way our culture misunderstands what a momma’s heart is supposed to look like… this is so refreshing.
You are a momma at heart and will meet him someday in eternity.
Love & Blessings.
This is for more put together than I have ever been able to put it into words. I have screamed, cried and ranted at anyone who denied my grief. I was angry and jealous of any woman who dared complain about the discomfort the new life inside them was putting them through. It felt so unfair.
We were lucky enough to be blessed with a second chance after medical intervention. I am currently pregnant. And complaining as little as possible about discomfort.
I hope you get your second chance as well.
Nothing takes away or softens the pain of miscarrying, especially if the wish for a child is so great. To me, it is a sorrow that does not pass, but that can only be calmed. Miscarrying is not about losing a pregnancy.
It’s about losing a part of your future. Something that had always seemed selfevident in your lifeplans.
I hope you and your husband find a path together to deal with this.
Thank you for sharing this. I feel your pain acutely today, as today should have been my due date… hugs to you, mama