5 Things No One Tells You About Miscarriage - Jenna Kutcher

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5 Things No One Tells You About Miscarriage

Jenna Kutcher 

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When we found out we were miscarrying, I spend sleepless nights scouring the web for hope. In place of hope, I found tons of chat threads between women going through different stages of miscarriage, medical articles, but not a lot of things that told me what would happen when it was over. It’s been over two months since we lost out little baby. I know, I know, you probably are thinking that I should be “over it” by now, but if you’ve ever experienced miscarriage, you know that you don’t just get over it. In fact, like most forms of grief, your heart never fully heals, it just gets easier living without that piece of it. I’ve learned so much in sharing our struggling, in sharing it with the world. I’ve learned a ton about myself, I’ve heard some incredible and painful stories of other women who have been through this, and I’ve learned more and more that the world really doesn’t talk about miscarriage.

Just about once a day, an email will pop into my inbox from another woman sharing her story, from families who just got the news, from women who have had years pass without the wound healing. It’s been incredibly therapeutic to stand with these women and say, “I am here, I am praying for you, and everything you are feeling is okay.” I’ve been able to sit on the phone with strangers minutes before their D+C, I’ve prayed over families I’ve never even met, and I’ve been introduced to countless babies who were never blessed to draw in their first breath. The glory be all to God in this, he is the ultimate healer. As I’ve continued to process the past and look forward to the future, I’ve realized that there are so many aspects to miscarriage that I never understood until it happened to me.

The word miscarriage sucks

No, I did not mis-carry my baby, in fact, I held onto that life with every fiber on my being. The prefix implies: bad or wrongly… which so many of us apply to ourselves. I was bad, I did wrong, this is why the baby died. But the truth is, many of us going through a miscarriage feel these things, even if we don’t say. We wonder if we shouldn’t have eating that tuna or if it was that one extra cup of cofffee, that yoga session, the way I laid on my back when I fell asleep. It’s hard to wrap your mind around the fact that a term like “miscarriage” isn’t a defining one for the person who went through it. Processing a miscarriage can be extremely challenging on marriages and relationships because the woman often harvests guilt over the loss.

Your body becomes a mess

As we had almost cleared our first trimester, my belly was already showing the signs of life, my boobs were huge and tender, my exhaustion was so real it was hard to go on a walk most days. No one tells you what the days, weeks, and months will look like. For me, I had to carry our miscarried baby for two full weeks before I was able to have a D+C which meant a full surgery, anesthesia, and those sweet little hospital mesh undies that everyone who has a baby tells you about. I remember being angry that I was walking out in those undies without a baby in my arms and an empty womb.

It took a solid 7 weeks to get my cycle back and when it came back it was the most painful reminder of how different things were in my body. I had even taken a pregnancy test before it came because I was wondering where Flo had gone (was she mad at me too?) It’s hard to not feel betrayed by this body, to hate the changes that had once reminded you of the life you were growing, and to feel completely uncomfortable in your own skin. Don’t even ask me about the medical bills, they are still coming in and it’s hard to pay thousands of dollars for a baby you were never able to meet.

Pregnant friends won’t know what to do, heck, no one will

In sharing our story, it was so interesting to see how different people reacted to the news. Trust me, we were filled with as much grace as we could muster knowing that this was a subject that hasn’t been talked about much by many. We heard things like, “There must have been something wrong with the baby.” We even heard, “Well, what can ya do?” but with some of those hurtful comments came some of the most incredible words we’ve heard. We were pointed to our savior, we were reminded of the importance of community, we were loved on and blessed in many ways we never had even expected. One of the hardest parts of losing our baby was that I was sharing our pregnancy with three of my closest friends who are also pregnant.

Suddenly the daily cravings pics stopped, the conversations of baby names and birth announcements ended, and people stopped sharing the good in their lives in fear that it would hurt us. It’s a hard space to be in because that joy you have for others doesn’t evaporate but it’s also hard to share that (and have people really believe you!) If someone shares that they have had a miscarriage and you’re caught off guard or don’t know what to say, just tell them: “I am so, so sorry for your loss.” Don’t try to explain it, don’t tell them about your friend who went on to have many healthy babies, don’t belittle the experience, don’t tell them that things happen for a reason, just be with them.

You will feel lost on when to “try again.”

In fact, I hate the term “try again.” It’s like that quote: If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. No, you didn’t fail, no it’s not your fault, no one won’t be better this time. When it first happened to us, we thought that we wanted to try right away, to get back to that joy filled bliss that had been rocking our worlds while we were pregnant. We couldn’t imagine just going back to the two of us without dreaming of those sleepless nights, of the nursery, of those cute little shoes and bottles. Then once the dust had settled we really started to think if we were ready to throw ourselves back into the game.

For me, I knew that I would be robbed of fully enjoying a pregnancy early on. I’ll be plagued with doubts and fears that we will go back into the doctor and hear the words, “There is no heartbeat” again and I will be crushed into a million little pieces all over again. The timing will look different for everyone, just give yourself time to heal both physically and emotionally and trust that you will know when the time is right whether it’s a year from now or two months from now.

You are a mom

I stared at my phone the other day when an email popped in that said, “Congrats, your baby’s the size of a coconut.” I swear I’ve tried to unsubscribe from all things mommy, but somehow they still sneak through the cracks. I wanted a button that you could press saying, “Unsubscribe: I miscarried.” It’s this ridiculous limbo of feeling like it never even happened to you mixed with feeling like it’s still happening to you. Part of you will feel like you were never even pregnant and it was all just a dream and the other part of you will find your hand resting on your womb and thinking about the life that should be there. Mom guilt hits, even though you aren’t holding a baby and you’ll compare your miscarriage experience to other women who miscarried. A loss is a loss, a life is a life. Each experience is painful, different, and life changing. End of story.

For me, there are days where I feel like it was all just a bad dream and I’m still the same Jenna but then there are days where I stare at a mom and child and yearn for that connection, for that love. Please never discount the fact that you were blessed to carry and love a baby for all of it’s days, you are a mom, no matter what society makes you believe. The moment you saw that + on your pregnancy test or celebrated that sweet little babe, you became a momma. The grief and gravity of it all will come in waves. Somedays you will stay afloat, somedays it will suck you in, just know that your baby was blessed to belong to you and someday you will be reunited.

Miscarriage is taboo but I believe it shouldn’t be. I think the more I share, the more I process, the more I learn, the better I understand the struggles that so many are facing from infertility to the loss of a child, from adoption woes to broken relationships. There’s this piece in my heart that is missing and instead of trying to fill it with things of this world, I want to share it, in case a piece of yours is sitting vacant. The more I share, the more I realize I am not alone in this pain, in this loss. I am now 1 in 5 and you might be too. Whether you, yourself have been through miscarriage or you know someone who has, I pray that you can just stand by them, grieve with them, and celebrate the life they provided a home for while on this earth!


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In Our Time of Loss: Baby Kutcher

 

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  1. Sarah says:

    I’m so sorry Jenna. There really is no right thing to say and as a society, i think we like to go for the “at least it happened early on” to try and make our own selves feel better but it’s just not right. I have had best friends and family members go through this but you really don’t understand until it happens to you I think. Recently one of my favorite youtubers, Anna Saccone, posted a video about her miscarriage and for the first time I started to understand. She also shared that she looked for videos, posts, anything of other people who had gone through it and they were hard to find because not many people talk about it. thought I would share the video with you and anyone else who might be reading this…

  2. Shelby says:

    Jenna,
    You are such an inspiration to countless people. Your words are truth laced with a lot of pain. Thank you for being honest. My husband and I were trying to adopt a little girl domestically last summer. We were so close to having her in our home and her drug addicted mother was able to regain custody. Just like that. We still felt like mommy and daddy. Just without a baby. Though I haven’t miscarried and cannot imagine the pain that brings, I just want to thank you for sharing. I just keep praying that God would hold on to my mama heart and one day, in His time, he would fill that heart with a baby that I can hold. I am praying over you, your shattered heart and your marriage. Even when it feels like He’s not, Jesus is enough.

    From one mama heart to another,

    Shelby

  3. Myranda Derry says:

    Thank you so very much

  4. Porsche Perry Christensen says:

    🙁 Miscarriage is so, so hard. I think the things that helped me the most was simple acts of kindness; dinner brought over, a restaurant gift card, a flower. Things like that that let me know they were thinking of me, even if they couldn’t make it better.

  5. Angela says:

    As someone going through this right now, I appreciate knowing that what I’m feeling and thinking has been thought and felt by others.

    I’m sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your experience.

  6. Cassie says:

    Jenna, after experiencing my second miscarriage in May (and subsequently having to have a D&C in June) I found your site (completely by accident actually). Thank you! You have no idea how your words encouraged me, and continue to. I have left this blog post in my open tabs on my phone for nearly 3 months, going back to it frequently. Drawing on your wisdom and the honesty you share. We have been through a ton of hardship this year, but your blog helped bring peace in one of the most difficult times. Thank you!

  7. Sabra Kessler says:

    Thank you for sharing, I’ve been struggling I’m trying to cope with the loss of my child. I wanted that connection again & now it’s gone with a piece of my heart. One day I’m angry and lash out at the ones trying to comfort me , who don’t deserve that. But mostly, I stay locked in my room, laying there. Crying. It staring. I’ve haven’t ate in days. I’m hurting. My d&c is scheduled is Friday. Again,, thank u for sharing this

  8. The medical paperwork that I took home stated “spontaneous abortion”. I was so angry that my baby had been reduced to this statement and then it was over. None of us should feel alone in any of our suffering and you and I are blessed to be able to comfort those who are grieving! Thankful for you!

  9. Terry says:

    My heart goes out to you, Jenna. May the Lord bring you comfort and grace as you take each day and step. Losing a baby – regardless of the stage – is tragic. Your perspective, though, is healthy and helpful to so many moms who suffer in silence. Praying He grants you the desires of your heart and enlarges your earthly family!

  10. Julie Hood says:

    Im so so glad you’re sharing this! As someone who’s seen a best friend walk through this, I always feel like I need coaching on how best to be there for her. And amen to taking our hurts to God, no matter what those wounds may be…

  11. Amanda says:

    Dear Jenna,

    This is the most honest and real article I’ve read about miscarriage. I too was almost out of my first trimester when I head those daunting words. The diss appointed face of my sweet husband and his watering eyes still haunt me. I can’t tell you how much each of your beautifully spoken words I relate to. Thank you for speaking up and sharing when many people are afraid.

  12. Christine Vyhnal says:

    Thank you Jenna from the bottom of my heart. Just spent an entire month “mis-carrying” and you hit every feeling I’ve had like a nail on the proverbial head. I was also pregnant with 3 of the closest people in my life and it’s been excruciating. Feeling like a totally alien version of myself. Reading your words made me cry (as is the norm these days) but more of pure joy for someone else getting it. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!!

  13. Carla says:

    You absolutely make such a difference with this blog- and I can’t tell you how comforting it is to read something that hits home.. you really worded this so beautifully. Hate having this in common, with you- with any woman.. but just know how much sharing and. It being ashamed or afraid to talk about this helps. God bless you and all the luck in the world to you.

  14. Stefanie says:

    I unfortunately relate to every single thing you said. Thank you for writing this.

  15. Luvy says:

    Thank you for putting your feelings onto paper/ tech gadget. I went through the exact experience few weeks ago, carrying a child who no longer had life for 2 weeks. Hoping…I have no words. Just thank you.

  16. Laurie says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for writing this. I suffered my miscarriages many years ago and it took me many, many years to get over the grief and the pain that came from all of the misunderstanding.

  17. Amelia says:

    Jenna, thank you so much for sharing. If I can give you a small token (that you, the Queen of the Internet may already have), its unroll.me – a website that shows you every single thing each of your emails is subscribed to. I used it for all the strange adverts for sunglasses and Nigerian princes but it might help you, too. I hope you can heal in piece, without being assaulted by the internet again. Thank you for continuing to be a bright life for the many thousands of us who look up to you.

  18. Jessica-Sara says:

    I’m so sorry Jenna. How far along we’re you?

    I too had our precious baby girl at 17 weeks. Thankfully we had our baby naturally and got to hold her, while she layer lifeless in my hand.

  19. Tasha says:

    Love, love, love everything about this. I couldn’t agree more with each and every point you made. It was like I wrote this myself. No one talks about this and it’s so common. Losing a baby was like a slap in the face from my womanhood. I’d never felt loss like that before, I’d never felt more betrayed by my own body, I was truly jealous for the first time in my life, I was guilt and grief stricken, and have never fully gotten over it. The only thing I took away from the experience was to talk about it so that other women maybe won’t feel so alone and guilty. Thank you for writing this.

  20. Samantha says:

    Thank you so much for sharing, for being real, for telling all of us that we are not alone. I cried through all of this. I have had two losses and a preterm labor. It never ever goes away.

  21. Joni says:

    Thank you so much for sharing Jenna. This is such an important conversation. I haven’t lost a baby and often find it difficult to know what to say or how to care for friends and family who have lost a baby or babies – so thank you for lifting the lid and helping us to help each other. Lots of love to you guys x

  22. Mrs.Smith says:

    This is beautiful. I needed to read it.

    My husband and I only had one day of rejoicing and bliss over that positive test, and even with 6 beautiful kids to take care of, losing that one on Christmas Eve rocked my world for months. And months. With it being that early on, I expected it to be more like a late period. Nope!!!

    I used an herbal supplement called Changease to get my hormones back in order — it was crazy, though. I honestly had no idea your body really does go through a whole “post-partum” thing after miscarriage. Nobody talks about it. ….so thank you for not being Nobody. Thank you for breaking that silence. Thank you for understanding that the love between mama and baby starts early and doesn’t end, even if things don’t end up like you hope for.

  23. Jenn says:

    Thank you for sharing and for expressing exactly how it does feel. I am a talker but when this happened to me I could not explain the level of pain I was in and how I felt and still feel to this day. You worded it beautifully and I appreciate that.

  24. […] just how varied each miscarriage journey can be. There is also this personal story from Jenna Kutcher, which shares her experience plus some things that nobody normally tells you about […]

  25. Kaylee says:

    I love this so much!! I’ve been through 3 miscarriages, and I agree with every single statement. Thank you for posting great content!!

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