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Do you ever feel left behind or think you’re so far from where you want to be? This feeling is normal, but how does it manifest in your self-talk? Is it belittling or comforting? For most of us, it’s that voice in our head that keeps saying we’re not enough — we’re never enough.
Goal Digger, it’s time to change this.
Negative self-talk ISN’T about being positive all the time. It IS, however, about finally showing yourself some well-deserved love and compassion… and the queen of saying it out loud is saying it loud and proud on Goal Digger today.
Vasavi Kumar has the sort of confidence you can FEEL and now she’s going to share how you can harness the power of confidence in your life. In this episode, she shares her insights on how self-talk, confidence, and self-trust are all interconnected to each other. She emphasizes that we’re often our harshest critics and our negative self-talk is something we would never say to others. So why is it that we’re so harsh to ourselves? At its core, it’s a lack of love of compassion for ourselves.
Vasavi shares that if you want to finally put an end to negative self-talk — say them out loud! Realize how terrible you really are to yourself and take back control. You are better than you think you are and definitely don’t deserve to be belittled.
If you’re struggling with self-sabotage and negative self-talk, tune in to the episode!
How Bipolar Disorder Affects Vasavi
Vasavi grew up in Long Island, New York as a first-generation Indian immigrant. Due to her experience, she learned how to change herself to fit in both at home and at school. Vasavi’s journey was a rocky road of cocaine, alcohol, and rehabilitation. She realized it was almost as if she was at war with herself and is now on the path to repairing her relationship with herself.
She learned that repairing this relationship starts with being kind to yourself.
Most books and articles describe bipolar disorder as a fluctuation of extreme moods. Vasavi shares that this is true in some cases where there are extreme swings of positive and negative mania.
However, Vasavi also shares a different perspective, she shares it’s like a God-given energy she can harness to do incredible things, but she needed to know how to manage and harness it. Whether or not you have bipolar disorder, it’s important to learn to manage your thoughts and how to speak to others and to yourself better.
Confidence and Self-Talk
We all have confidence and fearlessness the day we’re born. This may diminish over time when we get stifled. However, Vasavi shares that confidence is a skill that can be built. Confidence isn’t about being a braggart, it’s about a lived experience where you know your worth because you’ve tried, failed, and achieved things.
“When we’re born, we’re not born with negative self-talk. We’re not born criticizing ourselves.” -Vasavi Kumar
Some people struggle with negative self-talk because they learned to repeat negativity and criticisms they have heard from others. Whenever we receive the negativity, it’s our job to be discerning and avoid making it into our narrative and belief about ourselves.
Vasavi recommends looking at yourself in the mirror and saying out loud your feelings about yourself. If you’re able to look at yourself in the mirror and be honest with what you feel and think about yourself, you’ll realize that there are narratives you don’t need to accept. The more you can see yourself from a place of love and compassion, the more your self-talk will become a safe space.
How to Change Your Self-Talk and Dialogue
Whenever you feel uncomfortable feelings, don’t jump into the reframe. When you move too fast to reframe your feelings, you may just be redirecting it towards avoidance and even workaholism.
Instead, reflect on what’s going on.
Acknowledge your feelings but also take the time to reassure yourself of all the hard work you’ve done. As Vasavi says in the episode: “You know you’re doing the best that you can…and I just want to let you know I’m proud of you. And I say that to myself and then when I start to actually feel love for myself, that is when I reframe.”
When we act with compassion for ourselves, our hardened perspective will also soften and change.
How to Stop Destructive Self-Talk
Destructive self-talk is often the kind where we belittle ourselves. Identify when this happens and ask yourself out loud whether it’s helping or hurting you right now.
When you say that belittling thought out loud, you’ll realize how it’s not even something you’d dare to tell others.
Vasavi’s advice is, “When we keep it inside…no one knows about that. But you still hear it every day. And if you want to change it, say it out loud. So you can feel how mean you are to yourself. And in that moment, be kind to yourself, so I don’t want to talk like this to myself anymore.”
How to Build Your Confidence and Trust Yourself
When you make the practice of saying things out loud, you’ll become more used to asking for what you want. We often stop ourselves from asking for what we want because of our inner self-talk. In the full episode, Vasavi shares how she got on the cover of a magazine simply by asking.
Vasavi shares that confidence wasn’t about asking to be on the magazine cover just because she wanted that achievement, it was because she knew she had what it takes to give an interview that would be helpful and powerful. She says, “You got to value your voice.”
During her darkest days, Vasavi made a promise to herself and God that when she sobered up, she would pay it forward. Vasavi built her self-trust on this promise that she wants to help people in need.
Vasavi got divorced at the age of 32 and then got into a toxic and co-dependent relationship for 4 years. She lost herself in the relationship and needed to build her life back from scratch. She realized this was what life looks like when you don’t trust yourself.
In our conversation, she told me: “Where’s all my suffering come from? Honestly, if I had to boil it down, every single time I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t speak up for myself. I didn’t walk away from a shitty situation. I lost a part of myself. And I’m done doing that.”
How to Help Yourself and Others
Vasavi wants to achieve sustained continuity in everything that she’s working on. She realized that “if I want to be in this for the long haul, whatever that looks like for me and enjoy my life, I better start speaking to myself in a way that makes me want to keep living and not want to give up.” She reminds everyone that beyond the goals and achievements, our success also boils down to how we treat ourselves.
We can only help others only when we help ourselves first. Remember, let people have their moment and feelings then invite them for a conversation, if they’re willing to. According to Vasavi, “The greatest gift that you can give to someone is not judge them, not fix them, not shame them, not try to solve their problems. Just be there.”
Learn More About Vasavi
Vasavi Kumar is a licensed therapist in addition to being a mindset and business coach. Vasavi has helped entrepreneurs, executives, celebrities, and athletes be more comfortable and confident during media interviews and improve their interpersonal skills and communication.
Vasavi has been featured in the Wall Street Journal, FOX, VH1, and was a regular on NBC’s Kansas City Live as the Keepin It Real guru.
Vasavi’s book, Say It Out Loud, will come out in May. Say it Out Loud is an alternative guide to journaling where Vasavi gives you scripts to say out loud after every chapter. The book also has a virtual book club so you can work with Vasavi directly, access to guided meditations, Vasavi’s mini-course, and so much more!
You can connect with Vasavi on her website, Instagram, LinkedIn, Youtube, and Twitter.